At the moment, I feel as if I’m standing at a crossroads in terms of my “life plan”. I have a degree in Psychology and the dream before Uni was to become a Clinical Psychologist. So I got the degree, had a pretty terrible time doing it, and left to work in mental health. I plodded along in my first job and then got a new job because I thought I should, and I’m now plodding along in this job. The next step is to get an Assistant Psychologist post, which are like golddust and you have to come with so much experience and a masters and a first and a million and one others things, none of which I have! Mostly due to the plodding along. Ever since my degree, I’ve had this niggling thought that psychology wasn’t the right road for me to travel down, but I didn’t know what else to do so, or what else I’d be good at doing, so I stuck with it out of fear of something different being even worse. A new path has popped up in front of me, which is a pretty new consideration, which is Social Work. This would involve going to University to study a Masters, which carries with it the unknown in terms of the finicial commitment and what I may get, or not get, at the end of it. I also have worked with social workers, but have never before considered it as something I want to do. And don’t get me started on the fear of returning to Uni after my previous experience, as it fills me with absolute dread. Then there’s the little path behind me that I’ve been too scared to look back at before, which is a road to something completely different. This could literally be anything, and the anxiety that comes along with this choice is so overwhelming I can’t think about it too long or my head hurts.
On top of this confusion is that in my current role, it feels like no one stays too long. People leave after 6-8 months or so for bigger and better things (such as Assistant Psychologist posts). So, whenever I receive an email saying “Oh, I’m leaving, come party” I feel a massive sense of jealously. I sometimes think it’s because of the role they’ve left to do, but more recently I’ve noticed that it’s probably due to one of my biggest flaws; I compare myself to people. All the time. For example, there was this girl I met on my induction training, who joined the HCA role at the same time as me, got a new job sooner than me and has now left to do an Assistant Psychologist post, whilst I’m sat here still plodding along. I feel like I’m a failure and I’ve done something wrong as I’m not where she is at the moment. I also feel jealous that these people know what they want to do and are so focused, whereas I’m running about like a headless chicken hoping I fall into something or get pushed. This doesn’t just happen at work. I look at others that started blogging at the same time as me and compare blogs. I think “She has more followers than me” or “She gets more comments than me” and it leaves me feeling down all the time. Or just wondering now the street and think “That girl’s makeup is nicer than mine” or “She has a better outfit on than mine”. You get the picture!
I very much doubt this “comparing” trait is something unique to me. I’ve been trying to stop this for so long now, but I’m starting to realise more and more that everyone is different and everyone’s story has its parts that no one else ever sees. Everyone has arrived at the point in which they meet you where all sorts has happened before, most of which you’ll never know or never fully understand. To begin to compare yourself to someone is almost completely pointless, and it’s a pretty big waste of time that most people could be spending doing something far more constructive. So, I’ve decided that my happiness is the most important thing, and that someone’s happiness should always be at the top of their own priorities too. A career you hate is something no one wants and that regardless of what other people may think or may have achieved, you have to feel comfortable and sure in yourself. I know it’s all well and good writing it down and much harder to put it into action, but I feel much less stressed about my “life choice” as I’ve taken the pressure off as I know whatever is coming my way will be what is best for me at that time.
Not sure if this post will help any of you, but it felt nice to rant and make a plan of how I’m going to make my choice! Do any of you compare yourselves? How does it make you feel?
Thanks for reading!